I woke this morning to tears streaming down my face & a giant aching in my chest. The more I thought about the pain the more the tears began to flow. It was overwhelming. The pain was of emptiness, like a chunk of me was missing..
I was dreaming.. I was with my mother & we were suppose to spend time together. It was suppose to be my special day, my time with my mom. This is a big deal considering how busy things are here, a girls time out is a rare occasion. We were going to go shopping, along on this trip was my sister. My mom had invited her along. Not a problem, except she wanted us to go to these places I wasn't particularly interested in going. However, I didn't protest, I just went along with it. My normal self, not wanting to cause problems.
Then somehow Eaven had a red lollipop. There was sticky everywhere. He was coated in sticky. Sticky on my van door, just all over. This upset me. Who gave him this lolly? Where were the baby wipes? Then I spot them. Sitting on the ground opened up wide with a dirty diaper sitting on top. "Who did this?" I questioned, my frustration growing quicker by the minute. If you leave them open they'll dry up. My grandma pipes up taking the blame. Saying she had done it, but didn't have a chance to clean up the mess.(side note, my grandma has been gone since '03)
My sister wants to move on to the next place now, but I can't go Eaven needs cleaned up. So I tell them to just go without me. Upset by the whole thing I tell them that this is why I never go anywhere with them. I have the kids and they are bothered by this extra baggage I have. Even if they don't actually ever say this verbally, their body language display a different message. I'm not even interested in going where they want to anyway. This was suppose to be my day.
So off they go, to have fun & do their own thing & I'm left, once again, to take care of my child.
Then the picture changes and I'm in a house or a room. I hear my mom saying something about how she was thinking of asking my cousin to help pay for the funeral of a friend of his dad's who had nothing. How this would mean so much to my uncle. However she had decided not too. I say well I'm going to ask him. He should be glad he still has a father. Then I see my cousin & he wants to know where my mom is cause he's going to tell her he's going to help. (No idea what this has to do with anything, but it was part of the dream)
I turn and walking into an adjoining room, there sitting in a chair is my own father. I'm so overwhelmed to see him sitting there. (For those of you who don't know my father died in 1999) I walk up to him and say, "I'm so glad to see you alive". I start to tell him about my mom, sister, the day, but it all just over takes me.
Overwhelmed, I sit down on his lap and just hug him. As tight as I can, just like when I was a little girl. When being on daddy's lap would solve all the problems in the world. When he was my hero & nothing else mattered. No matter how bad things were, all I had do was hug my dad & the problems would melt away. When he was on my side, against the world. When all was right, as I do I begin to cry, sob...
And then the aching returns, the emptiness, the lost, the isolation. As tear stream down my face I can barely see to type. The realization that I will never be able to sit on his lap again returns. That my hero, protector has left me once again surrending only to my awaking, to the return of my consciousness. Yet, this is the closest I've actually been to him in my dreams. Usually I only see him, rarely get to talk & never get to touch him. The anger & pain I'm feeling inside must be huge. The more consciousness creeps in the less of the dream I can recall..
The more I recall, the more trivial it seems.. The more I write, the more I"m sure it won't matter to anyone who reads this.. But it matters to me.. Cause it was so real, my friend who would be on my side, was there.
There's so much more I could say.. about the anger within me, that I know ultimately caused this dream to occur.
Of the frustration I feel from the people within my life, who look upon me like I'm nothing, who don't find what I say valid. Those who say they care about my opinion, my thoughts, but then toss them out as soon as they've left my lips. Not bothering to hear a damn word I"ve said. Why bother? Why not just tell me you think I"m a joke, instead of putting me through all this?? The people who are so blind, they look at me with their rosy colored glasses thinking that all I'm talking about is ludicrous.
Of those who think my having a large family is ridiculous. Heaven forbid I would ever say the words,"I"m pregnant" again. After all it's much easier to say, "Another one?" as opposed to "Congrats, I"m so happy for you."
The list could go on and on, but I"ve shared enough dirty laundry for one day.. Instead I turn to music, something to help me express my feelings.. while I was search for a song, this one spoke to me.. Paul Simon - Father & Daughter.. I hope you enjoy it. Sorry about the rant, I'm sure it will be all buttercups again tomorrow.. ; )